The writer of Hebrews told his readers that discipline was an evidence of their relationship with God as their Father.
... For those for whom the LORD loves He disciplines,
And He scourges every son whom He receives.
It is for discipline that you endure;
God deals with you as with sons;
for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
But if you are without discipline,
of whom all have become partakers,
then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us,
and we respected them;
shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?
For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them,
but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness.
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful;
yet to those who have been trained by it
afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Hebrews 12:6-11
The writer encouraged his readers to endure the discipline, though it was painful, because it was intended for their growth in character. From this short passage, we learn that a prerequisite for effective discipline is a strong relationship between parent and child. If a child knows and feels the love of his parents, then he is more likely to accept the discipline. He knows that his parents care enough to discipline him.
As parents, we love our children, but often we fail to demonstrate love in ways that our children can understand. We tend to share more of our treasures with our children than our talents and time. Buying a present for your child can be impersonal but playing with your child involves you as a person. In sharing our talents and time, we are sharing ourselves. This will help to develop an emotional bond with our children.
Parenting requires commitment because it takes time and effort to build and maintain relationships. When there is a strong bond between parent and child, the parent has little use of methods. A strong bond helps prevent many discipline problems because children who are close to their parents desire to follow the family rules and please their parents.
Spending time with our children not only gives us many opportunities to share and model the values that we treasure but also opportunities to know our children. A "reading" of your child will help you understand what causes your child's misbehaviour and choose the appropriate discipline method to use.
In the quest to understand your child, bear in mind the general characteristics that children in that age group share in common. For example, a two-year-old toddler will not sit still for long. To know what is normal behaviour is to recognise misbehaviour. We need to have realistic expectations of each child's behaviour according to his age and abilities. In other words, let children be children; accept age-group characteristic behaviour but correct misbehaviour.
Next, consider the unique characteristics of your child. If you have more than one child, you will probably testify that your two children are very different from one another. Each child is unique and should be nurtured differently.
When my younger son was about two, he would wake up every morning and cry. If I were to use the behaviour modification approach, I should ignore his crying. But this might lead to more distraught.
I guessed that the reason for his behaviour could be that there was no one else in the room when he woke up and he cried in fear. So every morning I would drop whatever I was doing and rush into the bedroom with a broad smile and a chirpy "Good morning" whenever I heard him arousing from his sleep. I did this over a period of time and his crying stopped.
Is your child misbehaving because he is restless or because he is rebellious? Without discerning, we may use the wrong method of discipline.
When Nathan the prophet confronted him about his adultery with Bathsheba, King David admitted his sins.
For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
Against Thee, Thee only, I have sinned,
And done what is evil in Thy sight,
So that Thou art justified when Thou dost speak,
And blameless when Thou dost judge. Psalm 51:3-4
David also acknowledged that God is right and blameless in His judgement and accepted the punishment.
If you punish your child without first explaining what he did wrong, then he would think that he had been unjustly punished. "Why did you punish me for something that is not wrong (in the child's perspective)?" There would be resentment. Discipline that is rejected accomplishes nothing! Therefore, another prerequisite for effective discipline is an understanding (and hopefully, acknowledgement) of wrongdoing by the offender.
A wise son accepts his father’s discipline,
But a scoffer does not listen to rebuke. Proverbs 13:1
You cannot dictate guilt and repentance. Guilt occurs when we violate the standards that we have adopted. True apology and repentance must come from the heart. Therefore, I do not believe in forcing my children to apologise. I will tell them that their behaviour is wrong and let them wrestle with the issue of apology.
Question for thought: Should we discipline a child who acknowledges his wrongdoing and apologises?