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A Biblical Theology of Parenting

There are many books on parenting but what does the Bible say about bringing up children?
Is Christian parenting any different from parenting in general?

In this article, I seek to share with you a biblical perspective on parenting ... its aims, principles and methods. We will also explore its application. I do not have all the answers. Like you, I am learning as I move along in life. Let's begin our journey by listening to Moses' exhortation.

Goal of Christian Parenting
"These are the commands ...
the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe ...
so that you, your children and their children ...
may fear the LORD your God as long as you live ...
by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you ..."  Deut 6:1-2 
Many parents take great pains to prepare our children for school and to ensure their acadamic success but our primary objective as Christian parents is not to ensure that our children get good grades, go to the Poly or Uni. In Deut 6:1-2, Moses challenged the nation of Israel to leave behind people (children and grandchildren) who fear the Lord.

What is the fear of the Lord?
  1. In the giving of the Commandments, the Israelites were so filled with fear and awe by the revelation of God that they requested that they not hear of God directly and that Moses act as an intermediary to relay God's Word to them (Exo. 19:16; 20:18-21).

    But Moses was quick to point out they should not be afraid to approach God but that they should be afraid to sin. In other words, they should keep from sinning. In the Old Testament, the fear of the LORD is knowing His moral purity and omnipotence such that one is afraid to sin and disobey Him (c.f., Deut. 6:13-15). 
  2. In Proverbs, the fear of the LORD is characterised by a life ... 
    (a) fleeing from sin (Prov. 3:7; 8:13) and
    (b) pursuing righteousness (Prov. 14:2).
This fear of the LORD is reflected (evidenced) by a life of obedience to God and His Word (c.f., Deut. 6:1-2).  This is consistent with the Great Commission where Jesus commanded His disciples ...
"All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  Matt 28:18-20
I know how to teach the commandments of God, the Word of God but how do you teach obedience to God? How can we leave behind children who fear the Lord ... children who obey the Lord?

I have a thought ... children will never learn to obey the Lord unless and until they first learned to obey their parents. 
Parental Authority
Children obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Col. 3:20 (c.f., Eph. 6:1) 
In other words, parents have the authority to command their children in all things (not sinful). This parental authority gives us the right to ...
  1. make rules
  2. reward obedience and 
  3. administer punishment for disobedience ... including the use of the rod 
He who withholds his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him diligently. Prov 13:24 
Do not hold back discipline from the child,
Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.
You shall strike him with the rod
And rescue his soul from Sheol. Prov 23:13-14 
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
The rod of discipline will remove it far from him. Prov 22:15 
However, this authority does not give us the right to impose our will upon our children and make them into unthinking people. Moreover, in the exercise of our authority, we must not exasperate our children (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21) by unreasonable rules, favouritism or false accusations.

Here are some suggestions for the exercise of parental authority.
  • If a child breaks a rule ... then he must bear the consequences as spelt out earlier by his parents. If I had failed to set the consequences for violation and my child already felt guilty for his wrongdoing then I should not punish but share how he could make restitution.
  • If no rule was laid down ... then such first offences should not be punished.
    No parent can lay down every conceivable rule for their children. Therefore, there will be many occasions where our children's behaviour would be unacceptable and for which we have not laid down rules. What should we do?

    Such first offences should not be punished because "where there is no law, neither is there violation" (c.f., Rom. 4:15). Nevertheless, these offences call for rebuke and the setting of a new rule or standard of behaviour.
  • If a child actively defies parental authority ... then parental authority must be re-established and this may entail the threat of the use of the rod or the withholding of privileges.

    A child who is actively rebelling against parental authority is rejecting his parents' right to rule over him. Such a child is not receptive to parental instruction. Parental authority must first be re-established before parental instruction can effectively take place.

    Should the rod be used to re-establish parental authority, it is not to vent parental anger at the child's audacity to go against you. It is also not to abuse the child. Rather the objective is to bring about submission to parental authority. Parents must administer the rod in a controlled manner to cause the child to cease his rebellion and to accept his parents' authority over his life. If children do not learn to obey their parents then it would be difficult for them to obey God.
Our First Priority
In Christian parenting, our first priority is not our children's obedience but our own relationship to the Lord. Look carefully at Deut. 6:4-7a and you will discover our first priority as parents. 
"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.
Love the LORD your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your strength.
These commandments I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
Impress them on your children ..."  Deut. 6:4-9 
Moses declared that the LORD is the only God (in contrast to the multiplicity of gods of Canaan). From declaration, flows the first and foremost command to love the LORD wholeheartedly (c.f., Matt. 22:36-38). The LORD is the one and absolute God who demands our total devotion. Our first priority is to love and obey the LORD then we can teach God's commandments to our children.

In the song, "Love You with My Life" Steven Curtis Chapman said,
There is a pressing question my heart's been asking me
When I say "I love You, Lord" what does it really mean?
I know it is one thing to say it and another to do
How can I show You it's true?
How do I know whether I love the LORD? Is it a feeling?

A love for the LORD is not something nebulous but distinct. It is expressed in obedience to the Word of God. Jesus said, "If you love Me, you will keep My commandments" (John 14:15). The question, "Do I love the LORD?" becomes "Do I obey His Word?" 

Our relationship with our children cannot be separated from our relationship with our Heavenly Father. If we are to teach obedience then we must be obedient! As we get close to the Father, we learn of His ways and draw upon His love and patience to bring up our children. 

As Christian parents, we are to demonstrate in our own behaviour what we want our children to adopt. We simply cannot impart truth that is not first made real in our own lives. Modelling is one of the features of Christian parenting. 
Features of Christian parenting
  1. Modelling: Parents are to model obedience to God's Word.

    We are to demonstrate in our own behaviour what we want our children to adopt. We simply cannot impart truth that is not first made real in our own lives.

    (a) Parents may teach principles of right conduct but if our own behaviour is contrary to these principles then it would be difficult to correct our children when they violate these principles.

    (b) To enforce consequences for non-compliance or violation is to condemn ourselves!

    (c) Parents can demand obedience from their young children. But as children grow older, they will not accept instruction from parents for whom they have no respect. Respect must be earned through a worthy character (1 Thess. 2:10-11).
  2. Teaching: Parents are to teach God's Word to our children.

    According to Moses, parents have the responsibility to teach their children God's commandments (including the great and foremost commandment to love the LORD with all our heart, soul and strength).

    How then should we teach the Word of God? 
"Impress them (these commandments) on your children.
Talk about them when you sit at home
and when you walk along the road,
when you lie down and when you get up."  Deut. 6:7   

(a) Diligently - Impress them (the commandments) on the children ... make it memorable ... stress its importance to living

(b) At all times - Moses used two opposite extremes to signify the whole of time
• When you sit at home » when you walk along the way
• When you lie down » when you get up

He was saying that there is never a time when our teaching ceases ... there must be a consciousness and alertness to seize upon opportunities to teach. The opportunities of life are incidental but parenting that is effective must be intentional. In this area of teaching at all times (24/7), stay-at-home mothers have an advantage because they are usually there with their children when opportunities arise.

However, opportunities to teach do not always present themselves or when they do, we may not be with our children to seize them. Therefore, seizing casual opportunities to teach cannot preclude planned times of teaching. How do we have planned times of teaching (of God's Word) in the casual setting of the home?

(c) Use reminders, rituals and stories - In their teaching, the Israelites made use of ... 

Reminders - Scriptures were carved onto door frames and gates of their houses as reminders (Deut. 6:8-9,12). 
Rituals and stories - Significant events in their history were commemorated through rituals and festivals (Deut. 6:20-25 c.f., Exo. 13:3, 6-10, 11-16) which in turn prompted questions from their children and hence opportunities to recall God's works. 
But many of us in Singapore are first-generation Christians and it is up to us to create and pass down a rich heritage of traditions that will help future generations treasure God's Word. Question for thought: What are some traditions that you would like to pass down? 
Then, there is always the possibility that traditions may degenerate into outward forms without inward reality. Question for thought: How do we communicate the reality and vitality of the living God?
Start Right and You Will End Right
Proverbs 22:6 states "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it."
  1. The word "train" means "inaugurate" or "start".
  2. The phrase "in the way he should go" had been interpreted in various ways.

- according to a child's bent (leaning) which is already established
- according to his developmental level

But it is best interpreted as "in the way of wisdom." (c.f., Prov. 4:11).

In other words, Proverbs 22:6 states that if we start a young child on the right road, he will probably not leave it even when he is older.

This is not a promise but a general principle. It is often true, children reflect their upbringing but there are exceptions. Children from Christian homes do go bad. There is no guarantee in parenting ... that if we do this, then that is how the child will turn out. There are many factors in the growth and development of a child. A child may choose to go his own way independent of God.

Nevertheless Prov 22:6 and 19:18 strongly encourage us to lay a strong foundation while our children are young. We have only one chance to raise our children! 

© Feb 1998 Alan S.L. Wong :: Revised Apr 2006