Talking with Your Child

How do you communicate with a child who says, "I hate you; you treat me like a dog! Nobody cares for me except God." Parenting is a continual challenge. Like you, I am struggling. I have no magical words to teach you how to communicate with your kids. I do not have the answers … for you … for your child … for your situation. Parenting is dynamic. However, I will present a communication model that should prove helpful. We will also look at a few cases to help you understand and apply the communication model.

An Idea - The first pre-requisite is that you have something to say – an "idea". Are you clear as to what you want to communicate?

Encoding the Idea … with the Target Receiver in Mind - As the transmitter you now have the task of putting your idea into a form in which the receiver can understand. You have to "encode" it. This cognitive process of changing ideas into symbols and organising them into a message is called encoding.

Parents may think that if they have fulfilled their part in encoding the idea then it is up to their children to play their part to decode the message. As parents, it is always our responsibility to ensure that our children understand what is being communicated.

This means (1) taking special effort in encoding your idea (2) with the target receiver in mind. It is important to note that the words, tone and actions that you choose to encode your idea represent specific content meaning … therefore, choose them wisely.

Next, you have to keep the target receiver in mind. Does the receiver understand the words used? Does the receiver have the maturity and enough experience to understand what is being communicated?

The apostle Paul took special efforts to ensure the reception of the gospel message. Though he was entitled to financial support (1 Cor. 9:3-5), he did not exercise this right. Instead he worked and supported himself so as to eliminate charges of selfish motives thereby facilitating the communication of the gospel (1 Thess. 2:9).

Coping with Noise in the Encoding Process - There may be internal noises (i.e., your attitude about your position and your feelings) that interfere with the encoding process so much so that the message transmitted is NOT your intended idea. Recognizing this danger, what can you do to encode your idea clearly?

Handling Noises in the Environment and in the Child - There are noises that distort the message in transmission and decoding. Effective parents take these noises into consideration when they are communicating.

External noises along the channel of communication are sights, sounds and other stimuli in the environment that draw a child’s attention away from what is being communicated.

The consequence of external noise is that the message may not reach the child in the same form in which it left you (i.e., the message received is NOT the message transmitted).
The child as the recipient also has to cope with internal noises. In this case, the internal noises (the child’s attitude and feelings) interfere with the "decoding" process so much so that the message decoded is NOT the message received.
Then there are semantic noises, the unintended meanings aroused by certain symbols inhibiting the accuracy of decoding. We need to maintain an empty closet where there are no unsettled grievances in the child's mind.

Conclusion - Keep in mind and apply the following model whenever you are communicating with your child. We have succeeded in communicating only when the message decoded is the same as the original idea.

We have touched on one aspect of communication … talking. But communication is circular in nature … we are not just transmitters of messages, we are also recipients of messages. Parents often have difficulty communicating positively with children when feelings are involved – either their own or their child’s. We will look at how parents can improve their listening skills in another article.

An interesting book that you may want to read is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This book is filled with cartoons that illustrate the authors’ viewpoints. There is a chapter on "Engaging Cooperation" (for older kids). The authors are realistic in that they have added cautions as to why certain pointers would not work in some situations.

Case #1

Today is a public holiday. You’re giving your kids a special treat – breakfast at McDonalds. By the time you arrived at 8:00 a.m., the place was crowded. Just as you brought the trays of food to the table, your 2-year-old kid wails and insists on having Alphabits with Marshmallows for breakfast!

My Response

Don’t react. Get in touch with your feelings - Your first thought may be anger that your child had embarrassed you in public …what would others think of me as a parent? Here you are dealing with your feelings that may cloud the encoding of your idea (to get your child to calm down and eat his breakfast). Your choice of words may be governed by the wrong criteria … your feelings.
Encode your idea with the child in mind - A 2-year-old child does not have the maturity to understand logic and the process of reasoning therefore any explanation is futile … you are dealing with the child’s inability to decode your message!

Remove the child from the situation. Take a walk in the neighbourhood and show him that the shops are not opened at this hour. Alternatively, distract the child by presenting a substitute (e.g., cut the hotcakes into small bits and pretend that the scrambled eggs are marshmallows).

Case #2

It is a Sunday. You are at your in-law’s place for dinner. It’s 9:00 p.m. You are tired. You have been there since 11:00 a.m. You want to go home. Your 4-year old child has been enjoying himself – playing with his cousins.

My Response

Get the child's attention before speaking - Here we are dealing with noises in the child. Young children can only concentrate on one thing at a time and right now he is preoccupied with his cousins. Look directly at the child and call his name.

Example: "Samuel." Wait until he stops playing with his cousins and looks at you.
Encode your idea with the child in mind - If we simply say, "Time to go" … this may be decoded as "I can’t play and have fun anymore." This is a case where the message decoded is NOT the message received. We need to see the message through the child’s eyes or hear the message through the child’s understanding.

Each kid is "a unique, one-of-a-kind individual who wants fun and needs love" (as defined by Karl Bastian). Kids are full of life and they want to play and have fun.

Instead, say: "Samuel, are you having fun? Would you like to stay a little longer?"

What other words (or actions) will achieve your aim effectively with this specific child? Is there a need for heart preparation?

Example: "Samuel, look at the clock … when the long hand reaches the number 3, we will be going home."

Case #3

You were sitting in the living room and you could hear the sound of laser beams coming from your bedroom. Your 10-year old boy had been at the computer for the past 35 minutes. He was supposed to stop playing 5 minutes ago.

My Response

Deal with the external noise - Do not try to compete with the sound of laser beams by shouting from the living room. The external noise is likely to distort the message in transmission ... there may be omission from or addition to the message transmitted.
Get the child's attention before speaking - Here you are dealing with internal noise in the child … his mind is preoccupied with something else. Go into the bedroom and touch your son’s shoulder to get his attention.
Get to know the kid’s world - Recognize that if you are in the middle of a dogfight with an enemy spaceship, it’s hard to quit immediately. Tell him that he had overshot his time and ask him to stop playing soon. Wait for some form of acknowledgement of reception of message.