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Self-Esteem: Father, Mother and Child

Most books on parenting have something to say about self-esteem. What is self-esteem? What is so important about self-esteem?

  • Self-esteem is how one perceives himself ... having "good feelings about oneself."

    But the fundamental question is, "What is the basis of our self-esteem ... our own preconceptions ... the evaluation of others?" What is the true foundation of our self-esteem? 
  • Self-esteem is important because how one feels and thinks about himself affects the way he acts.

    Ten of the spies who were sent to explore the land of Canaan perceived themselves as grasshoppers (in comparison to the tall inhabitants of the land) and concluded that they were unable to take possession of the land ... they acted in fear (Num. 13: 31-33). Low self-esteem may lead to behavioural problems.

Self-esteem in teenagers

A teenager goes through many physiological changes during puberty. These changes tend to interfere with his sense of personal identity. He now wonders about what others think of him.

Our world deems appearance as important in life. There is no escape from this reality! Take a look at the billion-dollar beauty and media industries. Besides physique, the other sources of self-esteem for many are performance and possessions. We live in a performance-oriented society ... you get praise and reward based on performance. People are also admired for their material possessions. There can be an unhealthy fascination for branded goods among teenagers. 

Reason with our teens and share God's perspective ... 

  • Physique - Physical appearance cannot be a strong foundation for self-esteem because we age. Moreover, God values a man's inner disposition and character rather than his outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7).

    "... The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 
  • Performance - Performance is undependable in that our performance can deteriorate. If our self-esteem is based on our performance then our self-esteem rises and falls with our performance. Moreover, others can out-perform us ... does this mean we are less worthy?

    What does God say about my performance as a believer in Christ?

    Past: God has forgiven me (Col. 2:13) and remembers my sins no more (Heb. 10:17). I have been accepted by God.

    Present: He loves me unconditionally (Rom. 5:8). I am a new creature (2 Cor. 5:17) and I have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16).

    Future: I can do all things through Christ (Phil 4:13; Eph. 3:20). 
  • Possessions - Possessions is another shaky foundation for self-esteem because in an economic downturn, we may have to give up some of our possessions. Our possessions are not permanent ... they can be stolen or destroyed (c.f., 2 Pet. 3:7,10).

    Life is more than possessions. Jesus said, "... a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions" (Luke 12:15).

    As a believer in Christ, I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ (Eph. 1:3). I am a joint-heir with Christ (Rom. 8:16-17). Don't forget that God is the Owner of the cattle on a "thousand" hills (Psa. 50:10).

True self-esteem is rooted in our relationship with God ... I am a child of God (John 1:12) and I belong to Him (Col. 3:4). In Christ, I have been made complete. Come what may, my relationship with Christ is not going to change. We must share God's perspective with our children so that their struggle becomes ...

Prayerfully they will conclude that no matter what they think and what others say about them are not going to change their identity in Christ. Nevertheless how a teenager perceives himself is often based on the evaluation of others.

How else can we help our teens?

  • Love them unconditionally - Erik Erikson, psychoanalyst describes an optimal sense of identity as a sense of psychosocial well-being ... a feeling of being at home in one's body, and of knowing where one is going and of recognition from "significant people" around him.

    But who are these people whom the adolescent considers "significant?" Will it be his parents or his peers? If a teenager is not loved, accepted and valued by his parents for who he is then he may seek to find love and acceptance from his peers. Then peer influence becomes very great! 
  • Help determine their peers - The positive side of peer influence is reflected in this proverb, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (Prov. 27:17) 

    Question for thought: "Can I as a parent influence in any way who my adolescent child's peers are?"

Self-esteem in young children

The foundations of self-esteem are laid early in life. The greatest influences on young children's self-esteem are the evaluations of others, especially his parents. During these early years, we parents play a major role in laying a solid foundation for a child's sense of identity and worth.

Here are some ways to help build our children's self-esteem:

  • Do not use shame and label our children negatively -  Words like "You are so hopeless" and "You are stupid." The danger is that these labels may stick to the children.  

    Question for thought: What images are we reflecting to our children now? 
  • Don't compare one child with another -  Help your child be himself ... to be the best that he can be ... not somebody else. Self-esteem is measured against some criteria. What criteria do we communicate (consciously or unconsciously) to our children? Often, it is our unrealistic expectations that cause a sense of failure in our children. You can help your child develop and maintain healthy self-esteem by helping him or her cope with failures and defeats. Let the child know that no matter what, you still love him. 
  • Cultivate independence and hence confidence -  Develop in them an "I can do it" attitude. Train your child to be independent and give him responsibilities. Everything a child can do and do well contributes to a positive sense of self-worth.

Remember true self-esteem is rooted in a relationship with God. One major goal is to lead our children to Christ (see Chapter #10 of my book, "Building the Next Generation") 

Self-esteem in parents

Do not think only teenagers and children wrestle with the issue of identity. Parents also struggle with this issue.

Most fathers find the source of their worth and identity from their jobs. Our occupation determines how we spend a large proportion of our time, how much we earn which in turn determines where and how we live and our social circle of friends. All these factors influence the reactions of others, and these reactions lead us to develop perceptions of ourselves.

Where does the worth of a woman come from? For working mothers, chances are they too find their identities in their jobs. But what happens when we lose our jobs or when we retire? Do we cease to be? For some stay-at-home mothers, their self-esteem is tied up in their children. If their children behave well and excel in the academic then they are deemed to be good mothers.

We tend to base our self-esteem on the evaluation of others for our physique, performance and possessions. But all these are weak foundations for self-esteem. True self-esteem must be based on unconditional love and acceptance; and we can only find these in a relationship with our Creator.

© Aug 1998 Alan S.L. Wong